The Very Worst Missionary

I recently came across this blog titled Jaime the Very Worst Missionary.  The title was certainly intriguing – is she really the very worst missionary? I doubt that. Anyway she wrote something describing herself and I can completely resonate with her:

I’m always late because I’m a procrastinator and I procrastinate because I’m overwhelmed and I’m overwhelmed because I’m a perfectionist and I’m a perfectionist because I need affirmation and I need affirmation because I feel unworthy and I feel unworthy because somewhere, sometime, something in me cracked and the idea that I am lovable leaked out… I broke. And I’m still broken… And Jesus finds me like that, leaky and late, and He scoops up the pieces and makes me new. I’ll probably break again tomorrow, or in like five minutes, but He’ll keep scooping, again and again, until the day I finally get it, until the day I learn that I was created to be loved. And that day, that glorious day, the angels will sing in Heaven and, by God, I. will. be. on. time.

Apply Grace liberally to all areas of my life. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I am not always late, and I am not really a procrastinator but I am overwhelmed – I am overwhelmed because I am a perfectionist – I am overwhelmed because I take too many responsibilities on – I take too many responsibilities and am a perfectionist because I need to find other people’s approval – I need to find other people’s approval because deep down inside I don’t feel worthy. I only wish I could remember the fact that because of Jesus I really am worthy – because of Jesus I don’t need other people’s approval – because I don’t need other people’s approval I don’t need to be a perfectionist and I don’t need to take on too many responsibilities – because I don’t need to take on too many responsibilities and be a perfectionist I don’t need to be overwhelmed.

This weekend I in ended up in Texas…

The Cowboy Palace and Borderline ain't got nothin on this place - Billy Bob's: The World's Largest Honkey Tonk. (Fort Worth, TX)
The Cowboy Palace and Borderline ain’t got nothin on this place – Billy Bob’s: The World’s Largest Honkey Tonk. (Fort Worth, TX)

Why did I end up in Texas? Maybe I took on too many responsibilities. Maybe – yeah. I can’t give each one of them the amount of attention they really deserve. I am starting to feel the weight of taking on too many responsibilities – or wearing too many hats: academic, shepherd, teacher, missionary – why can’t I take some of them off? Because I don’t trust that Jesus’ approval is enough; so I have to prove my worth to the whole world. I need to really believe in grace. Jaime the Very Worst Missionary had it right:

Apply Grace liberally to all areas of my life. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Bathe yourself in grace. Its what you need to do. Its what I need to do.

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